8. Some Days Suck.
Some days of this damn Nigel really do suck. Mostly those are the days when stuff hurts or gets worse. Oh yes, the physical world is quite capable of going in exactly the opposite way of the spiritual and psychological worlds ... at least for a time.
There have been some really major shifts for me in this healing journey and every time I released some deep inner trauma through energy work, inner child work, journey work, the homeopathy or other therapies, Nigel threw a wobbly.
To start with, that was unbelievably scary. Terrifiying . I was a soggy mess on the floor, weeping. But as God, my homeopath, my immunologist, my healers and my helpers have continued to love, support and guide me, those Nigel-wobblies have sooner or later died down or gone away.
Of course, I can’t tell the hematologist that. I did try and keep her in the loop because you kind of have to come as clean as you can as to what you’re doing, especially if you are steadfastly refusing the majority of the help she is offering. She’s locked into the physical world entirely and can only recommend (read ‘nag’) chemical medicine. She’s regulated to the skies so she can’t even talk about diet let alone soul or spirit.
Funny thing, that. The world seems to believe that the physical is the only reality. Well, yes, there’s how you feel about the physical world too. But the physical is the manifestation of the spiritual and soul worlds. And Nigel is a spiritual journey. Nigel is a dis-ease of the soul. Something that has come up and out to be healed at a very deep level.
Saying that to the hematologist is similar to speaking in Klingon to a non-Star Trek fan. She says she doesn’t find me annoying, but then she has to say that. I did find her extremely irritating, not to mention upsetting, to start with with her constant insistence of hitting the physical with mallets, even though she knows that cannot provide a cure, but now I understand that she simply can’t help me. On the physical level alone, she can’t provide intravenous Vitamin C for example. I do rather pine for some aspects of the American integrative health system.
There have been days when I simply haven’t known if I would survive this healing in this lifetime. And I guess no one will know for sure until Nigel is finally gone. But I believe. I do truly believe that this is an initiation; I know that I asked for it - to be fully cleansed of all my negativity - and that I still have work to do in this world. For all of us who want to step up into being God-centred, then there must be crucifixion and resurrection. As my dearest friend, Adam — who’s Jewish — says ‘It’s Christhood or bust.’