44. The Worry Bug.
I’m a bit of a worrier. Nowadays it’s only a bit of a worrier. When you have something huge to worry about like a l-e-d you either a/ lie down and die b/jump off a cliff or c/ start dealing with the worry bug.
Firstly it’s terror, not worry. Then it’s pervading fear. Then it’s worry. And then, if you’re doing the Work, its times of incredible joy, being in the moment and a deep pervading happiness – interspersed with worry.
Worry usually catches me when I’m tired but it loves ego disappointment too. At the end of three weeks’ intravenous vitamin C therapy, when there appears to have been no physical effect whatsoever at a very large financial cost, worry and disappointment are waiting in the wings to have a field day.
The last two days it’s been an effort to outwit them. Yes, meditation is the answer but meditation in somebody else’s house when you’re sleeping on the sofa in the only room other than the two occupants' bedrooms, the loo or the kitchen is a tad of a challenge. There’s the tube train of course. And the doctor’s surgery (though that’s full of interruptions). But it’s not ideal.
And the ego’s terribly, terribly good at resisting meditation right now anyway because before I get to that alpha state (let’s be honest, if I get to that alpha state) I have to wade through all the obstacles first and it’s much more comfortable to distract myself instead.
The Abraham teachings say that distraction is good – and I agree. If there’s a choice between worry or distraction, distraction’s the thing. But I want to meditate. And distraction becomes part of the resistance to that.
I had an interesting insight into the worry bug last night at about 3am. I’d woken up and couldn’t get back to sleep and found myself worrying about the train home. Yes, the doctor had cancelled his appointment and I could catch my designated train but I’d also asked First Great Western via Twitter if ticket restrictions were still off so I could, if necessary, catch a different train.
(NB this is being written in February 2014 – the time of the great British floods when trains were seriously disrupted and lines damaged and washed away).
They’d asked what kind of ticket I had, and said ‘yes’ and I’d planned to go home via Paddington instead of Waterloo (the journey’s an hour shorter) but at 3am my brain was certain that ticket restrictions were only off on train times and not on stations so going to Paddington was not on. And my ticket was with South West trains anyway ... not First Great Western.
Then beautifully and clearly in my head, an angel said, ‘Most people right now, would be worrying about cancer. You’re clear on that right now so, instead, you are worrying about saving an hour on the journey home. Have you noticed how you’re simply addicted to worry?’
I realized and the worry cleared.
And of course in the morning, I tweeted FGW and they said leaving from Paddington anytime was fine.