Monday

29. Coming Home

I was so tired today. Okay, it didn't rain and there wasn't a tube strike but by the time I was pulling the suitcase along to Tufnel Park tube on my way to the last vit C treatment this week, I was talking to my body to keep her going. Poor love, she is so tired.

You're not meant to over-tire yourself if you have a dis-ease. Tiredness is half of the problem.

Talking with Diane this morning, I began to cry. It happens sometimes - it's bound to. We were discussing why nothing had worked phsically.

Well it has worked because I know I'm becoming a different person. But this week was hard with a brand new tumour appearing on Tuesday night. Very scary. On Wednesday I told Michael ... he felt for it and it had gone. That night, at the comedy club it was back but soft. So my body is dealing with it. I think that's the Britain's Got Talent stress tumour. But my body is dealing with it. This is a good sign. But I could have done without it.

If I've got this, then it's right that I've got it. But that doesn't mean I don't want it to go away. Now.

So looking forward to getting home to Devon. So, so looking forward.

At the station at Exeter, Lion was standing there with his back to me, looking anxiously at the departures and arrivals screen. The 19.13 from Paddington had been cancelled. My train was arriving at 19.15 and he'd got confused. He thought my train had been cancelled.

I tried to say hello but I just started to cry. I was home. He turned and just held me. It's only been five days but I'm so tired ... and I'm so glad to be home.

Back at the house, the beagles saw the car turn into the drive. They were both at the dining room window looking out. When Razzle saw me, she threw back her head and howled. I've been away for longer - she always does that - but even so after I'd got through the gale-force wind and rain to the front door, it was beagles and me in a great squeaking love-in on the hall carpet.

And in the bath, in the dark, I just cried out the stress. The disappointment of BGT behind the connection with Simon. That awful moment of looking at three stone faces and knowing it was 'no.'
It didn't take long. And there I was home, in the darkness with the Great Mother holding me and loving me and saying, 'You are so brave. Now, no more disappointments. You've done what we asked you to do. Well done.'

And on the bed, typing this, I am pounced on by two wet furry beagles racing down the hall from their last pee for the night and landing on the bed. I had a towel ready and there was drying and loving and everything so thoroughly right.

1 comment:

Daniel Efosa Uyi said...

Hi there! I know this is kinda off topic but I'd be interested in a blog link exchange.
My blog covers a lot of interesting and helpful posts just like yours and I feel we could greatly benefit from each other. And also, I think you'll love my recent blog post titled What Happens When A Guy Acts Clingy And Insecure Around A Girl?

I'm hoping to hear from you too and quickly, you've got a great blog here.

Daniel.