Being Visible

Picture by Ari Fox.

Last weekend I was invited to talk on a panel about 'The Invisible (Older) (Wo)man" at the Women of the World Festival in Exeter. I love how PC that title is! Basically it was a discussion on whether/why older women are not seen.

The funniest thing about it was that every single email in the booking process - and the Power Point at the event itself spelled my name incorrectly. The spelling of my name is important to me (as many of you know!) but it's also a very useful sign of consciousness. When we are conscious, we notice unusual things like a different spelling of a name. When we are unconscious (i.e. in our ego) we don't.

It certainly gave me a big opportunity to be very visible indeed at the start, by pointing that out...

Popularity mark: minus one.

I will cheerfully put my hand up to spelling other people's names incorrectly too at times; I'm nowhere near enlightened. And yes, I do know that autocorrect is not my friend. But I will continue, politely, I hope, to correct misspellings because a person's name is a valid part of their visibility.

I've done quite a lot of panels with an audience discussion and, in my experience, they frequently descend very swiftly into mutual pity-fests where everyone swaps negative stories. It's temporarily comforting because you feel heard and understood, but it doesn't move the situation on in any way. So, I decided that, this time, I simply wasn't going to participate in any of that. I wasn't going to court popularity in any way.

I'd say that was pretty successful... :-D

The author and teacher Caroline Myss calls repeating our unhappy stories in public 'woundology' - a way of showing that we are more interested in perpetuating and sharing our wounds than we are in healing them. The wounds become our identity - and often our excuse - instead of something from which we heal and move on. Caroline has lost a few friends through that one.

So, I didn't engage in the acknowlegement of wounds, nor tell my story at the start. I just said that I was not invisible and told them what I had done in order to make sure that I was visible. I said it was entirely an inside job and I hoped they would find the information I shared useful.

Popularity mark: minus two.

To be absolutely fair, by not telling my stories of unhappiness or grief, and by instead positing solutions upfront, I did inspire three women (who kindly told me so) but I seriously pissed off most of the rest of the room (some of whom not-so-kindly told me so - which was, of course, their right).

Now, it's perfectly legitimate to tell your story - and to tell how you overcame massive odds to succeed and both my fellow panelists did that very well. But I chose to say that I am happy and empowered - and much more so since growing older and becoming silver-haired - and offering solutions that have worked for me and which are the reason why I don't nowadays repeatedly tell sad stories of my life.

I also acknowledged that I was being annoying  :-)

One questioner said she didn't have time to do that kind of work.

I suggested she got up earlier, took magnesium if she were habitually exhausted and said I certainly found that I wasted too much time on social media and she might look at that.

Popularity mark: minus three.

One questioner asked what to do about shop packaging (not sure what that had to do with the topic!)

I suggested she handed plastic back at the tills, bought when she could from a local shop, made more of her own food and grew vegetables in window boxes if she didn't have a garden.

Popularity mark: minus four.

The questioner said she didn't have time to cook.

I suggested she cooked enough food for a fortnight at the weekend and froze it (that's a lot cheaper than living on take-aways).

Popularity mark: minus five. (fair call. She might not have had a freezer...).

A questioner bemoaned the fact that Dr. Christine Blasey Ford has vanished from the news and is in hiding and Brett Kavanaugh is still in the news and in public.

I suggested they wrote letters to Dr. Ford to thank her.  Her address is c/o Palo Alto University, 1791 Arastrado Road, Palo Alto, California 94304. The university will forward them.

Popularity mark: minus six.

I was also challenged for saying that I understood a situation that one of my fellow panellists spoke of as a reason why any of the Work I suggested above could not be done.

'No you don't understand!' she said with great emotion. I let her have that one because, having not told my story, she could have absolutely no reason for knowing that I did understand that situation. And I am immensely proud of myself for taking that hit and not succumbing to the temptation to dive into 'woundology' in return. That was quite a challenge...

Popularity mark: minus seven.

I was informed that I am privileged, arrogant and unsympathetic. This is a first for me and I think I might actually be rather impressed.

Byron Katie, the great teacher of The Work, says 'who would you be without your story?' and that is a  deeply profound question. Who I was, without my story was:

• Not entirely popular.
• Highly visible.
• Perfectly happy.

I can live with that.

The Best Christmas Market...Yet.

The angel of the market watches over the stalls - and may have pole-axed Santa by the look of it.

When I lived in Birmingham, I used to go to the German Christmas Market in Victoria Square; it was an interesting sparkle of an experience but there really never was much that I wanted to buy—or eat, for that matter.

So when we moved here, to Devon, and I discovered that Exeter had a Christmas Market in the Cathedral Square, I wasn’t all that keen...but I do like to get Christmas cards from the cathedral and you don’t have much of an option if you want to visit St. Peter’s in November or December; you can’t get there without encountering the market.

And what a market it is! So far it’s my favourite. Ever. Okay, I’ve only been to about six and I’m going to Italy next week so I’ll report back on the Florence and Lucca Christmas Markets which may be stunningly incredible but, trust me, if I like a Christmas Market, then it’s a good one. I’m a total Christmas shopping cynic.

How much of a cynic? So much so that I don’t agree with the concept of chocolate Advent calendars. Advent is about waiting; about the build-up to Christmas, not about our perennial need for instant gratification. Except for mince pies, of course. You have to have the mince pies. Obviously. 

Actually, I haven't had any yet so I could have held on to that bit of moral high ground. Bother.

But, Bah! Humbug! aside, wandering around Exeter’s Christmas Market on a cold, dark evening, is magical. The range of wares, the scent of freshly-cooked foods, the sparkle of the light, the amiable people snuggled into winter clothes—somehow, this one just works.

It's particularly special this year because of the Great Fire of Exeter which destroyed the Royal Clarence Hotel and seriously damaged several other old buildings. Now the aftermath of that is a lot more important than 'will we be able to have the market this year?' but it feels as if the market is a kind of healing for the shock of destruction. A lot of Devon folk were really moved by the fire—and I'm sure you'll join me in wishing all those directly affected, the best insurance companies and peace and comfort in the aftermath.

The empty space that was the Royal Clarence Hotel.

Incidentally, the body of Queen Victoria's father, the Duke of Kent, who died at Sidmouth, was embalmed in the Royal Clarence Hotel. The doctor was given the option of being paid or a knighthood for his services. Perhaps sensibly, he took the knighthood.

But I digress...

Here are some pictures of the Christmas Market so you can get a flavour of it. And if you're in Devon or Somerset (and don't have an utterly brilliant Christmas Market of your own) see if you can find time to come along. And you get the chance to sit in the beautiful, ancient cathedral too and maybe lisen to rehearsals of Christmas concerts. Those are enchanting.

 As you can see, there are all sorts of hand-made wooden (and metal) objects—fripperies for sure but all beautiful and fun. I forgot to take a photo of the stall that makes woollen egg cosies which was daft as they are incredible—they could all double as finger puppets and there are unicorns and all sorts of wonderful beasts. There are lamps that look like stars and you can't get much more Christmassy than that and stall after stall of sweet treats.

 Astonishingly, all of the items in the pictures below are made from chocolate. I constantly nag The Amazing Chocolate Workshop to make a chocolate teapot. They simply have to, don't they? A chocolate espresso jug is all very well, but a chocolate teapot would be the bee's knees. One of the staff there said he'd seen one that someone else made, which had a ceramic inside so you could make tea in it. Took me a while to figure out why that wouldn't really work...

And as for the food...it's truly international.

And this stall is pretty—real flowers, dried and made into jewellery. Reminded me of the charm bracelet I was given as a child with a real four leafed clover encased in glass.

And finally, you can't really get a more Christmassy picture than this: scarlet background, carved decorations...and a woman huddled in her warm clothing sending a text...

"About as Much Use as a Chocolate Teapot" — Exeter Christmas Market no. 2

So realistic!

Being a chocoholic, I've never quite understood that phrase. It might not do as a teapot but it's still chocolate and that's always useful.

Of course, it's the time of year for chocolate Santas, snowmen and reindeer — although the latter look rather worryingly like ear-amputated leftover chocolate bunny rabbits at Easter with different wrapping. We're fairly used to chocolate in odd shapes and sizes by now.

But a chocolate monkey wrench? A chocolate paintbrush? A chocolate slice of mousetrap cheese? A chocolate salami? Why? Why? Why?

I don't know why, but I know this stall from The Amazing Chocolate Workshop  stopped me in my tracks at Exeter Christmas market. It was almost impossible to believe that they were selling chocolate. Luckily, one of them gave me a morsel to prove it and it was delicious chocolate. Gluten-free, 65% delicious chocolate.

Oh, and if you look carefully at the picture above, you'll see they actually do sell chocolate teapots. Dammit, if I'd just noticed that when I was there, I'd have bought a couple of those. What a fabulous Christmas present!

I'm not sure whether they were doing a roaring trade because the chocolate spanners were stealing the show and there was a part of a few people's psyches going 'you'll hurt your teeth on those.' Quite how that works out when our teeth are quite happy to sink into a chocolate Santa, I don't know, but the brain is weird in its wiring until it's used to stuff.

But I do know that now I've looked at the pictures and had a browse on their website, I want to go back and buy stuff.

Unfortunately, they don't sell online yet, but there's a form on the site that you can fill in and they'll tell you when they do.

But if you're near Exeter and you're looking for a genuinely unusual chocolate Christmas present (and one for you too), you simply have to visit this stall.

Exeter Christmas Market (1)

Exeter Cathedral behind the market.

I only went into Exeter to get a late Advent calendar and some Christmas cards from the cathedral. Shopping per se wasn't on my mind but hanging out in St. Peter's is one of my favourite pastimes and any excuse will do. I've always loved their Christmas cards.

Not this year, however. Three really dull designs and not one Advent calendar left by 3rd December. But there was St. Gabriel's chapel to sit and pray in, as well as the lovely lady chapel and no visit to the cathedral is ever other than a delight.

Even better, a school choir was rehearsing I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day which, oddly, I'd never heard before and which took my breath away. You can listen to it here. Particularly apposite with the government's decision to bomb Syria.

And, all around the Cathedral, Exeter's Christmas Market glittered and assailed my senses. That was something else I'd not come across before, simply because we've only been here for three years and I managed to be sick at Christmas time for two of them. But oh, what a delight! I'm used to Birmingham's German Christmas Market but, frankly, this knocked that into a cocked hat.

I'll do a separate blog on a few more stalls including the aptly-named Amazing Chocolate Shop but here are some market photos and a few highlights. If you're anywhere in the area and can get down there, go, go, go!

Yummy non-seafood paella from Jences. Inspired me to go home and make more.

Don't go and look for Jences Paella on the internet however; their website has been compromised and I've just had a fun ten minutes comforting and reassuring my browser. It's nothing actually dangerous but I'm not risking it and I can't find a page for them on Facebook. So, it's the market or nothing for these guys right now which is a shame because the website says 'recipes' in the tabs and I'd sure like some of those.

Bush Farm Bison Centre's website is perfectly safe but ridiculously out-of-date (makes mine look efficient) so I've linked to their Facebook page instead. Not that that has a lot on it either. But they raise organic bison and elk and other tasty stuff and look like a fabulous place to visit. They have annual pow wows as well. The guys on the stall were really friendly and the meat both looked and smelt delicious. Unfortunately, I was already stuffed with paella.

Now this stuff, not even I can eat but it's a terrific idea even if it's not entirely photogenic and it's also a lousy photograph and I've cut someone in half. Devon Reclaimed is a company that beautifully restores all kinds of old, salvaged goods — mostly wooden and electrical stuff — and sells them. As well as the Christmas market, you can find them at Dartmouth Market on Fridays and Taunton Market on Saturdays during the winter months. 

This is just a picture of a sweater shop for Christmas. I didn't go in and I don't want one, thank you. Please, please don't get me a Christmas jumper.

To my shame, I can't remember the name of this stall but it's a lovely angel and what looks like a Santa with a serious hangover.