17. When are you going to believe?

So there I am, in the archetypical witch's cottage in the heart of Dartmoor, laid down in front of the fire while Suzi the Shaman begins her drumming to take her into the underworld to find the lost shards of my soul that I sent away or lost as a child.

This was 24 hours after I'd been on a weekend religious retreat with some lovely but very orthodox nuns who most certainly would have thrown up their hands in horror at the very idea.

But you go where you are guided to go on a healing journey - that is, if you'll listen to the guidance. I'm pretty good at it in some ways but like most of us I have my blind spots.

There had been a miracle just before Suzi began. I'd been answering her questions as we sat by the window in that incredible house when we both heard a fluttering. It was a peacock butterfly on the inside of the windowsill.

On 2nd December.

Yes, butterflies do hatch inside houses. But it was a bit of a coincidence that this one appeared at that moment ... and that it was a peacock which is my own personal sign butterfly. That's a long story but peacocks have shown up to give me 'yes' answers to a lot of questions over the years. I once said off the top of my head to a lady who was staying with us and who had a particular question about her own healing: 'Yes, that is so and to help you believe it, there will be five peacock butterflies in the front garden tomorrow.' It was June. We'd never seen any peacocks in the year that we had lived at that house. But all five of them were there the following morning for her to see.

So that was a nice sign. I'd had a lot of positive signs, all of which appeared to say 'it's okay, Maggy. This is not about your physical death, this is about your spiritual resurrection. You did ask us to clear you out - remember?' But of course they were signs that my ego wanted to believe so I was scared to put too much faith in them.

And I know that if are looking for something, you'll spot it. I used to call it 'Red Citroen Syndrome' because when my ex was courting me, I was driving a red Citroen and, suddenly, he saw red Citroens everywhere. That's because his psyche was looking for me. Previously, red Citroens had had no importance at all and he'd never noticed them.

So, once my ears had been drummed into numbness and Suzi had done her amazing work and two glowing embers of my soul had returned to me, it was pretty amazing to hear her say:

'The spirits don't get impatient, but if they did, they would be impatient with you. They have given you such wonderful signs and still you won't believe.'

And then she named some of the signs. I hadn't told her about any of them.

Yes, I did cry. Because God and my guardians had got my back and were yelling their heads off to tell me so. I listen a lot better now.