4. Why this? Why now?

Henry's terminal diagnosis came seven months after our marriage and he died two weeks after our first wedding anniversary. It was the first marriage for both of us - he was 42 and I was 32 and apart from loving each other we were so relieved to have broken that duck.

I don't actually believe that there's 'a shelf.' I know lots of people, my Dad included, who found true love very late in life. And Lion and I didn't discover each other until we were in our mid 40s.

So, if Henry was finally happy, why did he get cancer?

Well, these things take a while to grow in the body. I had a pathologist friend who told me that pretty much everyone has small cancerous tumours in their bodies which have been sealed off and aren't hurting anyone. Then a trauma or something happens or some genes mutate and suddenly what was no problem at all starts to grow. He said that often the very worst thing for anyone was a diagnosis of something that was minding its own business because then the fear and interference would certainly make it grow.

In Henry's case, there had been trauma enough in his life and lots of inner angers too. I think - I don't know - that it came out simply because he was happy; maybe he was settled and he relaxed and let go. And he was in the perfect place with someone who would care for him and love him every moment of it, and research stuff for him and, frankly, replace the mother he had never had.

One of the reasons why he didn't recover, although he'd changed his diet drastically and was changing his life too - and the cancer had stopped growing - was because chemotherapy killed him.  His doctor encouraged him to stop his Vitamin C therapy and diet simply because they needed the cancer to grow to treat him with chemo. So, he stopped it. The cancer started growing again and he had chemo. The registrar at the QE hospital, Oliver Rose, told me that we were 'lucky' because the death from the chemo would be easier than death from that cancer. Oliver was trying to be helpful and I did see that.

I wasn't angry with God about it but I was very angry with the doctors as well as grief-stricken. But people in my family didn't show anger (though a few shop assistants got it in the neck over the next few months). And I married again very swiftly - two years later - which made me very happy. However, I don't think I'd dealt with all the grief and certainly the second marriage had its own fill of traumas.

Anyway, my dis-sease arrived exactly seven months after Lion and I had moved to paradise. We had decided to decamp to Devon and begin living the kind of life we had always wanted to live - away from the city, working via the Internet and able to walk on Dartmoor every day.

I can honestly say, I'd never been so happy. I had a new book coming out that was probably the best I'd written, I loved my husband and our home, I was delighted with my new career as a comedian, I was just filled with joy.

I wrote daily appreciations on my Soul Wisdom page on Facebook (I still do). I was absolutely certain that health was all about loving life.

Lion and I went on a lovely holiday to Tunisia for a break - our birthdays are two days apart so we thought we'd go away and just celebrate for a full week. It was just wonderful - best holiday in years.

Two days before we came home the lump arrived. It literally came overnight - you're pretty much in tune with your body in sunshine and swimming costumes. And I knew that life had changed forever.

So why, why, why when I was so happy? So fulfilled? So full of joy?

I asked God about that while I was home and walking on the moors. The answer came immediately from left field (which is when you know they are real answers). 'So it would happen somewhere where you were safe and surrounded by exactly the people you need to work this through. It's time. You are happy enough now to heal this old, old rubbish that has been sitting in you for years.'

And it is true. Four therapists/healers within 30 miles in this brand new land became my mentors and the moor became my bones and my guidance. It happened here because I am strong enough now, it happened where I could still be happy and in my happiness is my healing.


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