18. The Death Wish.

 I came across a really interesting website totally by accident – or by Grace – which says the following:

“Anyone diagnosed with cancer feels at the deeper subconscious level of the mind, that life is too hard, painful and overwhelming, and that death is the preferable option to life. At the conscious level of the mind, the person diagnosed with cancer is still wanting to live, but at the deeper subconscious level of the mind, the person is feeling life is simply too hard and unbearable. This creates a chain reaction process where the subconscious mind literally instructs the immune system to slow down and stop working altogether. This causes healthy somatids (tiny living organisms necessary for life that live in our blood) to pleomorphise or change into yeast-like fungus that creates cancer in the body over an 18-24 month period.”

Now this is a website of channeled teachings so that will put most people off (and 99% of them put me off too) and although I’ve learnt a lot about the role of candida in cancer I’ve certainly never heard of somatids. But even so, the website didn’t feel like WBX. In fact this resonated. You see, years ago I had an astrological reading with my former spiritual teacher and he said that my chart had a death wish.

And even though I’ve certainly had a life of miracles, some of it has been bloody hard work and some of it has hurt immensely ... you don’t get widowed, emigrate twice in one year, live in 11 homes within a five year period and then get divorced without a certain amount of ‘dear God, what next?’

So somewhere, in all that stress, there has been a part of me (my inner child) who just thought it was all too hard. All too much effort. I had one of those childhoods where no one got angry and everyone simmered instead so she didn't come out in 'I hate everything and I want to die' but hid away (as I did as a child) in her cave until something sparked her off. 

Luckily, the website has a clear answer for his death-wish - once you've changed your mind, get mad about it! Shout and yell your new opinion - your verve for life. And to be sure, a difficult diagnosis does get you pretty clear on whether you want to live or not.

There's a caveat however - you need to want to live for you. Not for the family; not to keep helping others but for the sheer joy of living. I want to be a comedian. Not a therapist, nor a healer, nor a teacher, nor a good daughter, nor even a good wife. I want to be a comedian. 

So there are parts of the Moor on windy days nowadays which have an anoraked, hatted, gloved and fearsome Maggy stomping her way across them in wind and rain yelling "I shall not fucking die! I won't! I shall fucking live to fucking praise the fucking Lord my God! So fucking there!"

After a while I start laughing and that's the best part about it. Then I am standing in wind and rain on the bones of the land laughing with the Goddess at the sheer glory of life.